Da una parte, noi impieghiamo molto del nostro time to define a family space and build a house - claiming our rights, ensuring a certain stability and making money. Second, we want to free ourselves from the limits that require greater security to our sense of adventure and our thirst for novelty. It would be hard to find manufacturers of nests blocked by the need for security so as not to feel the attraction of being, to quote Kerouac, still on the road. " It would be hard to imagine so attracted by the adventure of the nomads do not feel the need of a home. Often, gender differences affect the way in which these views are distruibiti and traded in pairs: one partner, more often the woman takes the value della casa e l'altro, in genere l'uomo, incarna quello della libertà della strada. Ma uno sguardo più attento rivela sempre la presenza di entrambi i valori in tutti e due i partner. E' difficile mantenere e dare voce a entrambi questi valori in conflitto del nostro sè, e perciò ognuno di noi è attratto dalle persone che danno voce a quello che anche noi vorremmo ma che abbiamo paura di riconoscere a noi stessi e di esprimere. E' difficile che gli uomini dipendano meno dalle donne dal senso di familiarità e della sicurezza, ma nella cultura contemporanea l'identità maschile è destabilizzata più facilmente dal desiderio di dipendenza. Allo stesso modo, è difficile che le donne siano meno avventurose degli uomini, ma hanno more afraid of the impact that their spirit of adventure may have on more traditional aspects of female identity.
All human experience is thus crossed by a basic conflict between the ordinary and the transcendent, security and adventure, the familiar and the new. (...) The
stable couples assume that their partner is already fully known, always accessible, always predictable. Security is presumed. Exploring in detail the fabric of these relationships stable but I have found that the sense of security is not something given but a construction, that familiarity is not based on a deep mutual understanding but on a collusive device, the predictability is not a reality but an elaboration fantastic. In the long-term relationships that end up, in fact, it often happens that one or both partners may discover to their surprise, that the things that they assumed the experience of others, beliefs that made more safe and boring, were inventions on which are often provided for a collusive agreement. The husband was not so reliable, his wife was not so devout. Often discover that their partner "boring" had all kinds of secrets, private thoughts and feelings and, perhaps, an affair in which to express them. "This is not the person I thought" is the classic complaint of the person betrayed. And 'this is precisely the point. What is knowable and expected someone else? As we are predictable and knowable to ourselves? (...)
At the base of stable relationships is the desire to assert the dominance of security and predictability of what is unpredictable, the well-known to the unknown, Adam Philips wrote:
"Knowing the people - or at least a certain kind of knowledge of the people - can be antierotico, the unconscious intention of some forms of familiarity is to kill the desire.'s not just that the avoidance, or jealousy, the desire to support, but also that certain learn about other ways to weaken their interest in us, and that this may be their explicit desire. Pertanto, dobbiamo stare attenti ai modi in cui gli altri ci invitano a conoscerli o ci permettano di conoscerli; e dobbiamo anche stare attenti alla possibilità che il conoscere possa essere un'attività troppo tendenziosa, troppo scontata, un modello per l'amore."
Philips parla di alcune forme coattive di conoscenza il cui obiettivo è quello di fissare la fluidità e la molteplicità dell'altro in un pattern prevedibile. Questo tipo di conoscenza uccide la passione romantica ed è davvero molto diffusa nelle relazioni stabili. (...)
Ci viene detto che l'abitudine uccide il desiderio. Ma come è possibile che una persona che ci ama divenga un'abitudine? Le abitudini sono molto utili per i compiti meccanici, like washing dishes or brushing your teeth. But relations are mortal. Probably, somehow turn into habits the people we love - but think how unfair it seems to us and makes us angry to be reduced to a habit, as there seems reductive and complexity of our humanity! What I mean is this: the habit that often, perhaps always, off the romantic love is not an intrinsic component of the nature of love, but its degeneration is a protective defense against the inherent vulnerability of romantic love. It is also a consequence of the evolutionary history of love. (...)
learn to love in the context of security and intentionally built the necessary early childhood, and love always looks for a safety in order to remove what is unknown, fantasized and dangerous. Ironically, efforts to strengthen the security and love are the ones that make it more dangerous. One of the reasons for wishing to seek monogamous bonds is always, of course, the effort to improve the safety of their relations, to build a barrier against the vulnerabilities and risks of love. And as a respectable monogamous involvement today tends to be reciprocal, the choice of a single loving partner increases our dependence on that partner, love makes it more dangerous and also makes it binding our efforts to ensure the durability of this love. And so facciamo finta con noi stessi di avere, in qualche modo, minimizzato i rischi e di esserci garantiti una certa sicurezza - e in questo modo miniamo le precondizioni del desiderio, che ha invece bisogno di una robusta immaginazione per respirare e crescere.
(...)
Il bisogno di sapere che conosciamo noi stessi e le altre persone, il bisogno di un attaccamento del tutto sicuro, è potente negli adulti quanto nei bambini. Ma nelle relazioni umane è difficile trovare sicurezza e prevedibilità. Lottiamo senza sosta per ristabilire quel senso illusorio di durata e prevedibilità. Quando i pazienti si lamentano del fatto che il loro matrimonio si sta spegnendo e sta morendo, spesso possiamo dimostrargli quanto preziosa sia per loro quella morte, As carefully and keep the claim, as the mechanical quality and predictable love to serve as a bulwark against the terror of surprise and dell'imprevidibilità. And so "secure attachment" is not a very useful model for romantic love, and mutual adult, except in its great size, deceptive and capable of sustaining security. Love, for his deepest nature, not sure, but we still want this.
From "love can last?" - Stephen Mitchell
Books on Psyche, Love and Seduction for purchase here
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