Erich Fromm was convinced: "Love is not a feeling to reach of everybody. " Breaking the romantic vision of 19th century, who spoke of love as a feeling person, taking possession of the person, the analyst believed that love was an 'activity'. Anyone aspiring to know the love would consider it an art. It was no longer to get back to the events, but must make an effort of will and learn to love. In 1956, Erich Fromm wrote his Art of Love, a work that has experienced much success. His critique of capitalism and social conformity, his invitation to know each other better, as well as references to the wisdom of the East, were in keeping with the expectations of his contemporaries. Who was interested in the teachings of Marx, Freud, Jung or Hindu or Buddhist priests in Kathmandu to find answers in his work. After years when "peace and love ', the Art of Loving continued to be published with a rare continuity in the publishing world. Fromm does not provide miracle solutions, but rather what to avoid and report to suggest the way to get a union "harmonious and lasting."
Love is a hard work
to become masters in the art of love, Fromm explained, "we must proceed as if you were learning any other art, such as music, painting, sculpture or medicine ". This means starting with the study of theory, and then begin to put into practice. Fromm compared love the craft, or the martial arts (for example, was riferimento al tiro con l'arco e allo zen). Lasciava poco spazio alla fantasia, preferendo il lavoro costante e la saggezza.
Si può comprendere questa visione dell'amore solo pensando al contesto sociale in cui operava Fromm. Ma l'amore non è appannaggio di pochi esperti. Al contrario, questo sentimento rifugge ogni insegnamento. E' indubbio che il processo amoroso tragga benefici da un apprendistato, ma questo non ha a che vedere con un'arte come la scultura: sarebbe impensabile imparare a modellare il partner con marmo e scalpello.
Evitare tre errori
Secondo Fromm, la maggior parte degli innamorati commette tre errori. Il primo è credere che "il problema essenziale dell'amore sia sapere come to be loved, instead of learning when it comes to love. "The second is to assume that problems are problems of love," object "rather than" capacity ". The third is to confuse" the initial experience of falling in with the 'love of learning ".
Fromm stresses the importance of overcoming narcissism and dependency needs to come to realize a real exchange. One of the keys to the success of love is to admit that being ideal (the good object") does not exist and it is good to learn to adapt to its shortcomings and work on our own. Making love last means tirelessly to make this work. Today it seems easier to give than to receive, contrary to what he thought Fromm. Why donate means putting the other in a state of debt and take control of the situation. Receiving means, on the contrary, that one is always at stake. Stressing the importance of the gift, Fromm urged to free themselves from egoism.
Practicing discipline
According to Fromm, the first to learn an art must "learn a lot more, often with no apparent connections." Was thus considered themselves to become "an instrument for the practice of art." "Getting up at the same time, devote part of their time to activities such as meditation, reading, listening to music ... do not escape, at least not to excess, with distractions such as novels or thrillers, not eating or drinking too much" , rappresentavano per lo psicanalista principi ineludibili.
Quanta austerità in questi suggerimenti! Una ricetta per curare il colesterolo non sarebbe troppo diversa... A meno che non si trattasse di raccomandazioni per prepararsi al meglio all'amore fisico... Ci vuole certamente disciplina in amore, ma di un altro tipo: nell'attenzione costante all'altro. Nel ricordarsi sempre che nulla è scontato, che bisogna ogni giorno riconquistare il partner.
Sapersi concentrare e restare soli
Fromm consigliava la pratica della meditazione. Raccomandava di "imparare a restare soli con se stessi senza leggere, ascoltare la radio, fumare o bere"; suggeriva di praticare con regolarità esercizi di rilassamento and respiration.
You can learn to become autonomous in creating your own work or when you learn to distance themselves from the values \u200b\u200bof their parents. The learning you get more autonomy by taking responsibility for that due to simple concentration.
them as they beg for Fromm
true love against the narcissism that impels us to see each other through our desires and our fears. Also according to Fromm, you can get to know each other as it really is "cultivating humility, objectivity, patience, faith and reason."
And 'Just efforts to understand each other and accept it as is. But condizione di ammettere che non potremo mai conoscerlo fino in fondo. Essere convinti di conoscere il partner ci impedisce di vederlo cambiare e rompe il filo della comunicazione.
Per Fromm si può raggiungere l'amore completo solo dopo un lungo lavoro su se stessi e donandosi all'altro. "L'amore non è possibile se non quando due persone comunicano tra loro a partire dal centro della propria esistenza", riassumeva il grande psicanalista.
Ivan Sirtori da "Psychologies n°02"
Libri su psiche, amore e seduzione acquistabili qui
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